View The World Famous "The Interview With God" Screensaver Vide
The above billboard is located near Dallas, Texas...
"What's Up with that" or as "they" say these daze..."SUP?"
If you see injustice, STAND UP
If something needs to be said, SPEAK UP
If you make an appointment, SHOW UP
If you make a mistake, FESS UP
If you’re overstepping, BACK UP
If you get behind, CATCH UP
If they knock you down, GET UP
If you’re out of line, STRAIGHTEN UP
When your boss instructs, KEEP UP
When your elders speak, LISTEN UP
When your teachers teach, SIT UP
When your preachers preach, WAKE UP
When your country calls, MAN UP
Ladies too... WOMAN UP
When the fight is over, MAKE UP
If you’re being hard, EASE UP
If your heart is closed, OPEN UP
If you want to buy something, SAVE UP--
It’s not an entitlement, so SHUT UP!
If you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP
If you drop trash, PICK IT UP
If a car is waiting for you to
walk across the street, SPEED IT UP
If you’re cold busted, GIVE IT UP
If people fall down, HELP THEM UP--
Not the government, YOU STEP UP
If idiots start fighting, BREAK IT UP
If the music is wholesome, TURN IT UP
If the message is poisonous, THROW IT UP
If your words are vulgar, CLAM IT UP
If your words encourage, KEEP IT UP
If your pants are baggy, PULL THEM UP
If the belt’s too loose, CINCH IT UP
If your fly is down, ZIP IT UP
If you’re dressed half naked, COVER IT UP
If you can’t afford stuff, PASS IT UP--
No “bailouts” folks, PONY UP
If you made a promise, you BACK IT UP
And you can take your whining and PACK IT UP
It’s called personal responsibility, so TAKE IT UP
This country was founded on it, you can LOOK IT UP
It’s the American way people, so TURN IT UP
Because when life gets boring, you SHAKE IT UP
When life is good, you SOAK IT UP
When life’s unfair, you SUCK IT UP
When life is funny, you can YUCK IT UP
When life is sad, just LOOK STRAIGHT UP
And life’s too short people, so LIVE IT UP!
Why Boys need parents...(and Guardian Angels!)...(from Rocco! Thanks, Rocco!)
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This is an amazing video...click on lower right corner for full screen...Enjoy!
"Stand By Me" F.Y.I. we know it as written & performed by Ben E. KingBut it is inspired by a traditional Gospel song of the same name, originally composed by Charles A. Tindley in 1905. King's version was a Top 10 in the U.S.2x — original release in 1961 &1986 with the movie. Ranked # 121 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Tim. In 1999.
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
The Final Analysis by Mother Theresa
Nick Vujicic...Simply "The Best" speaker i have ever had the privilege of hearing...we heard him speak at Camp Pendleton and he is even more impressive and funny in person...
Simple insights from the book of Life... Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner
like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less
food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008..
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others; You have no idea what
their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.
Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past.Don't remind your partner with
His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate
others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class
but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..
Society:
25.Call your family often.
26.Each day give something good to others. 27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28.Spend time w/people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29.Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.What other people think of you is none of your business.
31.Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32.Do the right thing!
33.Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 34.GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 37. The best is yet to come. 38. When you awake in the morning, thank GOD! (YOU'RE ALIVE)
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch: a must see for all, the book is a beautiful read ...
Did you know????
"Top Ten signs"...by Napoleon Dynamite...
This arrived as an e-mail labeled "Pure Genious!"
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLETO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me singkaraoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
...Beer Trivia...
(You never really know when this information might come in handy!)
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the “honeymoon”.
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn’t grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase “rule of thumb”.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. A variation has pub owners reminding their barmaids to keep an eye on exactly who was drinking what and how much. Either way, it’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It’s clear from the Mayflower’s log that the crew didn’t want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that “them passengers were hastened ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer”.
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brews they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term “berserk” means “bare shirt” in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. (Thus that age-old phrase, "Those crazy Vikings!")
In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called Admiral Vernon “Old Grog”, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term “grog” soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were “groggy”, a word still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle”, is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In the Middle Ages, “nunchion” was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words “noon” & “scheken” or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was considered lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call - a luncheon.
Top 13 Additional Beer and Alcohol Warnings Under Consideration
The FDA is considering adding 13 additional warnings for beer and alcohol bottles. The Top 13 Are:
Drum Roll please.....
13. WARNING:consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING:consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a you-know-what, like with poles and stuff.
11. WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING:;consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8.WARNING:consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
7.WARNING:consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
And the #1 warning under consideration:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
What A Difference 30 Years Can Make!!!
1975 -- Long Hair; 2005 -- Longing for hair
1975-- The perfect high; 2005 -- The perfect high yield mutual fund
1975 -- Keg; 2005 -- EKG
1975 -- Acid Rock; 2005 -- Acid Reflux
1975-- Moving to California because it's cool; 2005-- Moving to California because it's warm
1975-- Growing pot; 2005 -- Growing pot belly
1975-- Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents; 2005 -- Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children
1975-- Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor; 2005 -- Trying NOT to look like them
1975 -- Seeds and stems; 2005 -- Roughage
1970 -- Our president's struggle with Fidel; 2000 -- Our president's struggle with fidelity
1975 -- Paar; 2005 -- AARP
1975-- Killer weed; 2005 -- Weed killer
1975-- Hoping for a BMW; 2005 -- Hoping for a BM
1975-- The Grateful Dead; 2005 -- Dr. Kevorkian
1975-- Getting out to a new, hip joint; 2005-- Getting a new hip joint
1975-- Rolling Stones; 2005 -- Kidney stones
1975-- Parents begging you to get your hair cut; 2005 -- Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975-- Take acid; 2005 -- Take antacid
1975-- "Whatever"; 2005 -- "Depends"
THE SENILITY PRAYER: God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
RE-RELEASED HITS...
For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news! Some of our favorite artists have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate us, their aging audience:
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions"
The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Tony Orlando ---Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy ---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And Lastbut NOT least:
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
SENIOR HUMOR
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
- SatchelPaige
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."
- Jackie Mason
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Age only matters if you're cheese.
Cultivate an interest in the classics: seduce a senior citizen tonight.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
He who laughs, lasts.
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.
If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.
My grandson asked me if I still look at young women, I said yes, but I can't remember why.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.
The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all-bran?
AGING COMPLAINTS
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms
have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another."
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."
Things not to say to your wife! Pretty funny, just click on the link...
More from the "What will they think of Next?" file...Check out Elvis and Celine (40 years virtually disappear...and reappear...!)
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress. 6. Name the last decades's worth of World Series winners. How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials , the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
"Medical Questions and the Answers you want to hear..."
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to s kid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
From the Medical Humor File...Actual notes taken from patient's charts...
1.The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
SENIOR ALPHABET
A for arthritis, B for bad back, C is for chest pains.
Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental replacements and decline, E is for eyesight--can't read that top line? F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention.)
Hhigh blood pressure (I'd rather have low) I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, that now fail to flex L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack when they're bent (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) ? N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck O is for osteo- and all bones that crack.
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new! Q is for queasiness. Wine or flu? R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears? T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears. U is for urinary: difficulties with flow V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray-- and what might be found. Y for another year I've left behind Z is for zest that I still have my mind!
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!
A middle-aged woman
seemed sheepish as she
visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years.
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,
Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored.
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting
hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
'You're simply going through the change!"
Maxine on the bailout!
"BAIL EM OUT! ????
Heck, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
"Old Farmer's Timeless Wisdom"...
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.*
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*
* Every path has a few puddles.*
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*
* Always drink upstream from the herd.*
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.*
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*
*Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*
MAXINE IS BACK AND SNIPING AWAY!
more from Maxine...
... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
... Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
...Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
. Procrastinate Now!
.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
.. I smile because I don't know what really is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
A Carrot? An Egg? A Cup of Coffee? from Rosalind Henson Hale
Carrots, Eggs, & Coffee
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?'
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you; to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
If you don't send it, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message!
May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!
How "old" are you? Check out your "virtual" age...just click on the link below and follow arrows and instructions! It's a subtle reminder to eat your veggies...HAVE FUN! www.sonnyradio.com/realage3.swf
Because some days ya just need a little dose of The 3 Stooges...
Things I've Learned through the years in life!!!
On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today
life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:
a rainy day
lost luggage
tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
SIGNS YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2010...
You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website,
You chat several times a day with a friend from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea
Your grandmother asks you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have an e-mail addresses.
You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
You get an extra phone line so you can receive phone calls.
You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
You're reading this.
Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
Midlife for Women...
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Our Annual Dementia Test ...
(courtesy of Notre Dame High School Class of 1964!)
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.. 1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany , or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you re member your own name? It was YOU!!
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
Please Note! Caution! Horrible email virus!
I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Be afraid ... be very afraid!
A NEW VIRUS ... just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a new virus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
The times...they are a changing...
A Poem for Computer Users over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Granny used to make us cherry pies
and call us on the phone;
She would talk to us for hours,
now she leaves us all alone.
We miss her homemade biscuits
and I'll make this little bet —
If you want to contact Grandma,
you'll have to surf the net.
She used to be scared of a wee little mouse
Would scream if one got into her house;
Now she hugs one night and day
And would rather cuddle it than bake.
She served her time with diapers and dishes,
Now she can do whatever she wishes;
And if that means staying up half the night
To point arrows at icons — that's really all right.
It's all so confusing, it makes her head ache,
A byte was something you'd take from a cake;
But, she's learning more about it now
Her four year old grandchild showed her how.
She could explore the world from her chair
Though mostly, she plays solitaire;
But, that's okay she doesn't care
About the weather in Zaire.
She's on her e-mail network with all
the e-friends she can get,
So if you want to talk to Grandma,
you'll have to surf the net.
You won't believe the nuts she's met'
Though what she'd really like to know
Is where are those other grannies
who like to quilt and sew?
Granny's never surfed at Malibu
or caught a wave at Waikiki.
She's never seen a surf board;
'hang ten' don't mean a thing, you see.
She's never met a beach bum,
to her Moon Doggie is just a pup;
But when she heads to her computer,
you know the 'surf is up'.
Grandma's getting older and
her eyes are getting dim;
Her random access memory is
half of what it's been.
When St. Peter comes to call,
she'll say "I can't go quite yet";
He'll have to wait on Grandma,
'cause Granny's still surfin' the net.
Think the iPhone is pricey? The cool cell phone of 1988 cost $4,382 in today's dollars. A 150MB hard drive? $8,755. Take a trip with us down memory lane and you'll never whine about the price of a gadget again.
Ever wax nostalgic about your first PC or cell phone? It's easy to forgive your Tandy desktop or your Motorola portable for their limitations -- after all, they were technological infants.
What we often forget, though, is how $%#@! expensive that crude neolithic junk was! So join us on a trip two decades back in technology's history -- and we bet that the next time you're charged $895 for a small square of plastic and transistors, you'll smile and say, "Wow, what a bargain!"
Home Desktop PCs
1988: Tandy 1000 TL
Price: $1,400 ($2,454 adjusted for inflation)
CPU: Intel 80286
RAM: 640KB
Storage: 3.5-inch floppy
Monitor: 14-inch, 640-by-200 RGB CRT, 16 colors
2008: HP Pavilion Elite m9100z series
Price: about $1,000
CPU: 2.8-GHz AMD Athlon 64 X2 5600+ dual-core
RAM: 2GB
Storage: 750GB HD, CD/DVD recorder
Monitor: 17-inch, 1440-by-900 LCD, 16.7 million colors
Laptop PCs
1988:Toshiba T1200H
Price: $4,098 ($7,182 adjusted for inflation)
CPU: 4.77-/9.54-MHz Intel 80C86
RAM: 1MB
Storage: 20MB hard drive, 720KB floppy drive
Display: 9.4-inch supertwist LCD
Weight: 14 pounds (including modem, charger, and case)
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